Honor Your Father and Mother

Dr. Rich Peterson

November 6, 2005

“If Christ is in you, your spirit is alive because of righteousness. If the spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he will also give life to your mortal bodies through his spirit who lives in you. If by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. Because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.”

That last phrase, “those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God,” may or may not reveal itself in me this morning.

We have a joke around our house that Cynthia, my wife, loses things often. They are usually small things like her car keys which she’s misplaced, or perhaps her purse, that’s not in the car but it’s in the living room or dining room. Sometimes she’ll lose credit cards, which becomes a little concerning. But usually she’ll find them and usually what she loses are rather small things.

But when I lose something, it’s rather large. So when this weekend I lost my sermon manuscript, that was a rather large loss. Late Friday as we were trying to do the best we could to retrieve that manuscript, even the genius around this place, the Great Tony Lang, could not retrieve my lost manuscript.

So today we, as they used to say, we sort of preach “without a net.” There just wasn’t enough time to reconstruct the entire thing from beginning to end and so that may be one way to say it. The other way I hope that is more appropriate is that through what God has done in my life this week He will do for you this morning through the power of His Spirit.

We have prayed a lot during this worship service, but I’m going to ask that you pray one more time with me, mostly for me, that God might use me to communicate what He would have for you. Would you pray with me, please?

“God, thank You for Your great love. And thank You, Lord, for the way that You shape us and mold us by the power of Your Spirit. We, Lord, can become a very prideful people at times. We do not often display the humility that you would have us to display. And there are times that we really do believe that it is through our power and through our might and then we’re reminded that no, ‘not by power, not by might, but my Spirit saith the Lord.’ Heavenly Father, we ask that Your Spirit would fill this place and fill this communicator this day. That through the stumbling, faltering words of Thy servant, You might be honored and You might be glorified in this place. That, Lord, You might be lifted high and exalted. For we ask it in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

My best friend’s dad died a week ago. He was in the room with his father when at 1:40 in the morning, his dad simply slipped from this earth to heaven. And he was there with his teenage son. It was a sweet moment for Jon. Sweet, he said, because he was surrounded by the most important men in his life--his father, whom he watched move from this reality to the greater reality of heaven, and his son, whom he watched move that night at the bedside of his grandfather from boyhood to manhood.

But absent from that scene was Jon’s brother, the other son. Absent not because of his inability but because of his unwillingness to be there. When called earlier in the week about his father’s dire condition, the other son simply said, “I am really too busy to come at this particular time. Jon, if you would take care of the details, I will back you on whatever decision you need to make.”

When called with the information that his father had passed away, the other son simply said, “When is the funeral going to be?” and when finding that it was going to be sooner than later, he requested that it might be postponed because he was terribly, terribly busy.

This morning we come to the fifth commandment. It’s not that you missed the address on the fourth commandment. Pastor Nelson will step back and address the keeping of the Sabbath next Sunday. But this morning, Jerry thought it would be rather fun for me to address the topic of honoring one’s father and mother in light of the fact that both my parents and my in-laws are a part of our fellowship.

It is an assurance to you that none of my stories will be overly exaggerated this morning.

“Honor your father and mother,” Exodus 20:12 tells us, and then it goes on to say “that you may live long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

I think that the story of my best friend and his brother illustrates what honoring one’s father and mother looks like and what it doesn’t look like.

Jon lived close to his family throughout his entire adult life because he wanted to be there to care for them as they aged and be there when they died. His brother lived very far away for those same reasons.

Jon has made intentional decisions in his life to remain near his parents so that he can continue to care for them and continue to serve them as they have aged and now as his father has passed away. His brother has lived miles away because he really wanted to have nothing to do with his parents.

Honor your father and your mother. Honor.

You see, honor is something that we don’t hear or see much of in our day and time any more. We don’t see it played out in flesh and blood examples. And so the example of Jon and his brother tends to show us what honoring one’s parents looks like and perhaps then what it does not look like.

Honor your father and mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

What does this mean? Well, according to Martin Luther, who we heard a little bit about last week, according to his Small Catechism, it means this: that we must respect and love God so that we will neither look down on our parents or superiors nor irritate them but will honor them, serve them, obey them, love them and value them.

It’s pretty clear-cut in terms of what does the meaning of honoring one’s father and mother looks like.

But this morning what I’d like to address also is how we go about that in the various stages of life.

You see, it seemed rather interesting to me to have to preach a sermon on honoring one’s father and mother to a group of people that represent a diversity of life stages. In other words, I had to ask the question, to whom will I preach this sermon?

Will I preach it to young children, most of who were dismissed during one of our songs and so re no longer a part of our time together today? Do I address it to adolescents, or do I address it to young adults? Do I address it to adults who are still engaged in life where their parents are still alive? Do I address it to those of you with aging and elderly and even ill parents?

And so it occurred to me that because each of us is at a different stage in life, that this sermon on honoring one’s father and mother will be heard a little differently depending upon where you are in life’s circumstance.

Honor your father and mother.

First, that’s an address not just to the adults in our congregation. It is simply that which we would tell our children.

Honor your father and mother. How best is this accomplished as young children, as minors?

The best way that we are to honor our parents as young children and minors is through obedience.

Would you turn with me to Ephesians 6:1-3. This is Paul addressing the community at Ephesus and he writes: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”

Here is what we as young children and minors are to do to best honor our parents. We are simply to obey them. Why? Well, the Apostle Paul does something extraordinary in the fact that he even addresses children within the greater complexity of the Christian community in the church at Ephesus. He addresses them particularly and what it shows to us is that this early Church situation is already taking very seriously the role model to which Jesus Christ himself gave in hindering not the little children coming unto to Him. They took seriously the fact that there would be children who would come to know the Lord Jesus Christ in a personal way and that Paul then could address them particularly. He could address them specifically as to what their responsibility was as they sought to honor their father and their mother. They are to obey.

But why are they to obey? Well he says simply that they are to obey because this is right.

Something in terms of human ability to understand natural law would indicate that there is a rightness with regard to parental authority. Every stable society has depended upon the parental authority of mother and father to direct the lives of their children.

John Stott said it this way. “It was a radical and very different approach to dealing with children in culture. That the Christians would even address children is a radical thing indeed. It’s radical in its change from the callous cruelty which prevailed in the Roman Empire in which unwonted babies were abandoned, weak and deformed ones killed, and even healthy children were regarded by many as a partial nuisance because they inhibited sexual promiscuity and complicated divorce.”

Children are taken seriously within the Christian community and they are to obey their parents because this is right.

Every society that sees the undoing of its families, sees the instability of a culture and it sees as its families are destroyed, a culture and finally a civilization that is destroyed as well.

Children, obey your parents for this is right.

So it’s not only because of natural law that Paul addresses children here, he also directs our attention to this fifth commandment. He says it this way, taking a combination of that which is shared in Exodus and that which is shared in Deuteronomy, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Another reason that children are to obey their parents is because it is God’s law, God’s commandment to us. What’s interesting is that the Jewish people in ancient Israel believed that the two stone tablets had five commandments on each and that you will notice then that this fifth commandment is on the first tablet of stone that has more to do with our duty to God than it does our duty to neighbors. It points to the fact that as we honor our parents we are actually honoring God. And especially is this true as children because in the eyes of children, parents represent God to us. They represent His authority and His love.

Paul mentions that it is a commandment with a promise. So rather than referencing a negative statement of this same commandment, which is done in places in Deuteronomy and Exodus, where it talks about cursed is the man or the woman who does not honor father and mother, Paul emphasizes a positive. He reminds each of us that it is a commandment, the first with a promise. And the promise is that we would experience a degree of longevity and a degree of prosperity.

Does this mean that every child who is obedient to parents will live a long and prosperous life? This is probably not what it means. According to John Stott, this is probably how we should interpret that particular passage of scripture. Interpreting it in a general rather than in individual terms. Then what is promised is not so much long life to every child who obeys his parents, as much as it pertains to the social stability of communities in which children honor their parents. In other words, a long lasting sense of prosperity to a culture that has found a way to honor their parents.

What’s interesting is that even as individuals we see that there is a degree of prosperity given to each of us who will obey our parents. As children, it keeps us safe. As children, it keeps us secure; it keeps us from going out of bounds and living life in those dangerous places, as we are obedient to our parents.

So Paul says, “Children, obey your parents for it is right and because it is God’s command.” But then probably the most significant reason that he gives for children to be obedient to parents has to do with the transformed life that is theirs through Jesus Christ. It is the Gospel. He says it right away, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” And because he is addressing Christian children, he is changing the motivation for obedience. Obedience now is no longer drudgery which one fulfills to an autocratic leader of mother and father, but now obedience comes from the inner motivation of love.

Jesus said, “You love me if you keep my commandments. If you keep my commandments, you love me.” We love and we are loved and we are obedient because of that love.

I told you I couldn’t tell any exaggerated stories from my childhood but I think it would be safe to say that I was a rather easy child to raise. I didn’t step out of bounds very often. I wasn’t intentionally disobedient very often. I wasn’t a perfect child by any means, but I was close.

No, the reason that I wanted so desperately to be obedient to my parents was because I knew that I was unconditionally loved by them. I didn’t want to do those things that would be heartbreaking to my parents because of my love for them and their love for me. It was an easy thing most days and in most ways for me to be obedient to my parents.

Children show their honor to their parents best through obedience.

But then we move through life’s stages. And the next stage that we see is one of adolescence.

I like you to turn to another story that I think addresses adolescence and its struggle. It is found in Luke 2:41.

If children best honor their parents through obedience, I believe that adolescents and early adults best honor their parents through a questioning process and even a breaking away from their own mother and father.

Look with me at this story from Luke chapter two that talks to us about the development of Jesus as he moved from baby to child to a young man in Luke Chapter Two.

Every year his parents went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the Feast, according to the custom. After the Feast was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." "Why were you searching for me?" he asked. "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" But they did not understand what he was saying to them. Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.”

I want you to notice the universal struggle between those who have teenagers in their home then and now. You see, becoming an adult, moving through adolescence into young adulthood, is never an easy thing and the good news for us here is that it wasn’t easy for Jesus or his family either. The universal question of those who have teenagers in their home, “Son, why have you treated us like this?” The universal answer of every teenager to begin every statement they make with this question “Why?”

You see Jesus asking that question of his parents and then the universal plight of every parent who has a teenager living in their home--they did not understand what he was saying to them.

You live there don’t you? Some of you.

Jesus is beginning to break away. He’s beginning to ask questions, questions that are important in later adolescence and early adulthood. He’s beginning to ask questions of importance emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually and he’s beginning to look for his true parent. And as he does, he begins to ask questions of his earthly parents. It’s not that he’s disobedient to them but he is beginning to break away from them in some measure and in some degree. The Bible tells us that he continued to be obedient to them.

And then there’s another picture of Jesus later on when his mom and his brothers and sisters come to kind of rescue him from a dangerous situation and he simply asks the crowd, “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” And what you see in a clearer fashion, as a young adult is Jesus breaking away from his mother, in this case, for his father is already deceased, and he begins to become the person that God has created him to be.

Here Jesus is asking and making statements that cause us to become aware of his own realization that he is unique in the eyes of God. He, of course, is the Messiah. He, of course, is the Son of God. But the questions that we ask in late adolescence and early adulthood point to our asking questions as to what we will do with our life. How will we operate and what kinds of decisions and responsibilities will be ours in adulthood and we begin then to break away from our parents.

It sounds almost as though we are disobedient, but I believe that the best way that late adolescents and early adults can honor their father and mother is by becoming the adult that God has created them to be.

Again, my own life. I left for seminary when I was 22 years of age. I had lived with my parents that whole time. So the day that I packed up my little Dodge Colt with all of my earthly possessions to drive away to the foreign land (for me) called Texas, I remember my parents saying to me, “Rich, if you ever need to come back home, you can.” And as I drove away I remember thinking to myself that the best way I could honor my father and my mother was if I never had to. They had prepared me well. They had prepared me for every opportunity and all the responsibilities of adulthood. They had set me free. I could honor them through the life that I would now live as an adult.

But then finally as we move through life, we move from childhood to late adolescence to young adulthood to a wonderful time in which as adults we relate to our parents as equals, we relate to them as friends, where they are honoring us as much as we are honoring them.

We even move to a phase in life in which my friend, Jon, found himself to be, a place where our parents are aging and where perhaps they are elderly and ill. What are we then to do? How are we then to honor them best? We honor them in the best way possible by caring service.

We care for them and we serve them. That could look like a thousand different ways--one or the other not being any more right than one or the other, but we find ways through the empowerment of the Spirit of God to serve in caring and compassionate ways our elderly parents.

Someone has said this, sometimes it is a time in which our parents become like children and we become like their parents. To which a nurse who works often with elderly said, “No, it’s never like that. Your parents may become childlike, but they are always and must always remain, and you honor them by this, your parents.”

There is a dignity which is theirs as parents, childlike as they may be, that you give them when you acknowledge that that is who they have been to you throughout your life. A parent.

Oh, it’s different from early childhood, it’s different from adolescence and young adulthood, but

it is a relationship which God has established for us.

Honor your father and mother.

C. S. Lewis’ wife, Joy, tells this story. It is a poignant reminder as to the dignity that we are to give those who are our parents who are living into the latter stages of their life.

She writes, “It seems that a mother, father and their four-year-old son and an aging grandfather all lived together. The grandfather’s hands were unsteady and at mealtimes he often missed his mouth. Eventually they removed him from their table to eat in a corner alone and in disgrace. After dropping his bowl one day, they took away his utensils leaving him with his hands to feed himself, feeding himself from a trough. The parents shouldn’t have been surprised, but they were, when the father found their young son doing a little woodworking in the shed. “What are you doing?” the father asked. “I’m making a trough,” he smiled for approval, “to feed you and mama from when I get big.” Well soon, the old man was back at his place at the table, eating with a fork and from a plate and no one ever scolded him again.”

Honor your father and mother.

Whether you’re a child and you do that best through obedience, whether in late adolescence and young adulthood you do that best through a non-rebellious questioning and breaking from them to become the adult that God has created you to be, whether you are doing that now as an adult relating to your parents as equals, or whether you’re moving, as I am, into a phase of life that should my parents continue to live, I move to a new horizon of what it looks like through the empowerment of God’s Spirit to serve them with care and with compassion. And all along, my sons and my daughter watch the ways that I go about honoring or dishonoring my parents, and I hope that through what they see in my honoring of them that they may one day ask questions in a non-rebellious fashion, move into adulthood and live lives for the glory of God, relate to me one day as equals and then care for me when I’m no longer able to hold a fork in my hand

Honor your father and mother.